Thursday, October 12, 2006

Ask Osama


"What I say to the American people when I am out there is, all you got to do is listen to what Osama bin Laden says."
-- President Bush, 10/11/06


Taking his acclaimed truth-telling to the next level, Osama is now here to help you understand life, love and relationships. Letters of no more than 250 words are welcomed – no calls please! Due to the heavy volume of material received, personal replies are not possible.

Dear Osama,

I'm a little reluctant to use email again, but my sponsor says getting used to doing the little everyday things again is a big part of the rehabilitation process – so (deep breath) here goes!

I recently decided to quit my job and left Washington on the same day after someone special – someone to whom I thought I was special -- "humiliated" me in public. I feel very "betrayed" but mostly I am "hurt" because "we" meant more to "me" than to "this person." I guess I was "mature one" in this "relationship" but right now it is all I can do not to cry into my pillow all day long.

My family tells me that I should "move on." Some people who used to "advise" me in my "old job" say the last thing I should do is "get in touch" with my "special someone."

But I feel like have to know "for sure" if this could be the "real thing." Or even if we could "just" "be" "bff."

Signed,
MAF from FLA

PS: Congratulations on that endorsement from the president! I can't tell you how much one of those would mean to me. Mostly
now my former "friends" want me to eat shit and die.
****** ****** ****** ****** ******
Dear MAF,

Don't get me started on family – mine will have nothing to do with me, so you are up one up on Osama there. Friends are also mercurial, although you know who
really only loves you for you when you have a $25 million price on your head.

I guess you know what my advice is -- Oh So Go For It, Boyfriend! Remember: you only regret the things in life you didn't do! It sounds like we both have So Much Unfinished Business :)

Death to America,
Osama

Dear Osama

I have a government job which which carries a unique and awesome responsibility. I can't really say what my colleagues and I
do or how we do what we do, but every month or so we get together and then announce an important decision at 2:15 p.m.

Here's my problem: When I was a professor at an Ivy League University a little while ago I could pretty much do whatever I wanted and nobody cared. Even though I was still pretty important it wasn't like I was living under a microscope. Now I can't even make small talk with a cute CNBC reporter without it leaving Vegas – Hello! What happened to cocktail party confidential!

I know I haven't given myself much time to get used to the way things are now
, but I hate the spotlight. I'm not happy, but I don't think I can go home again.

Signed,
Alone in a Crowd
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Dear Alone in a Crowd,

My heart breaks for you. It is so telling that you would quote Thomas Wolfe's final novel before he died unexpectedly. And surely you know the novel's historical backdrop, when the United States endured near economic collapse and annihilation (what my posse calls the "good old days").

Listen carefully, because you don't have much time: you need to quit your job and leave Washington immediately – don't let anybody know, don't look back, don't worry about the repercussions and whatever you do, don't answer your phone. The world will get alone fine without you. And, anyway, what's life like without a little mystery?!
Remember, it is all about you.

Trust me – you need to live for the now. Can you even be sure you won't be dead tomorrow? (I'm just sayin').

Death to America,
Osama


Dear Osama,
I have a friend who, let's say, likes to play this video game. He keeps playing it the same way over and over again even though he keeps on losing. We have acquaintances in common who have played this game (and even won) but my friend just gets agitated and defensive and pretty nasty when I suggest we all go out for coffee or something and brainstorm about alternative strategies or maybe even, you know, just not play anymore and concentrate on other, more important things (like dealing with this guy who keeps setting off bigger and bigger firecrackers in our neighborhood – another letter!).

We're close, but my friend is very sure of himself and dismissive of everyone he says doesn't understand this "very different video game."

Many of us are beginning to think it is time for an intervention. I feel somehow responsible for my friend's obsession but I'm also really tired of all the stress of dealing with him. What should I do?

Signed,
A Friend Indeed
****** ****** ****** ****** ******
Dear "Friend"

Heal thyself, asshole.

The obsession you should be concerned about is your obsession not to deal with your own issues while you worry about everything and everybody except your own empty sinkhole of a life.

Confront this: you are both a pathetic excuse for a friend and a human being. You disgust me.

Death to America,
Osama


1 comment:

nicole said...

too funny.