Planet Abell

"I have seen that it is possible for me to work here effectively." -- Sen. Larry Craig, Oct 4, 2007 Things to do this summer: Circle around hunky guy in stall "8" while waiting for connecting flight. Muse on how great it is to have time to kill in a city where nobody knows me -- and save money at the same time by not flying direct! Plead ignorance of solicitation to guy who doesn't seem nearly as hunky when he turns out to be an undercover cop. Give him my business card anyway. You never know In post-arrest interview with undercover cop (who I see now definitely is not a looker) don't act like I don't know what he's talking about when he says I was doing the abnormal things guys seeking gay sex with strangers in public restrooms do. Instead, tell him I was doing normal things, like picking up toilet paper off the bathroom floor Don't get any legal advice in the many weeks before I have to enter a plea. Reflect fondly on my votes for tort reform ...

Apparently the presidential election is over and the Iraq War has ended. Rejoice one and all! OJ is a criminal defendant on cable TV news again! But a funny thing happened on the way to the docket: All that pre-hearing blather about a battle royale between an over-zealous prosecutor and the famously cocky unconvicted criminal failed to materialize. Despite kidnapping and armed robbery charges that could potentially land Simpson in jail for life, the D.A and Simpson's attorneys got together and made nice and have nothing but sweet praise for each other. So OJ got bail. Bail that I could make. Bail that I would lend him — but only if he promised to skip out on it. OJ's gotta take it on the lam again. And this time he has to mean it. OK — OJ has to turn over his passport, so leaving the county would be a little problematic and that Mexican equivalent of Miami Beach might be a bit out of reach (note to self: check out CNN B Roll footage for video of holes in the fence). Bu...

"I've never craved the job of president, but I want to do some things that only a president can do." -- Fred Thompson, on "The Tonight Show with Jay Leno" T op 10 things that only a president can do: 10. Get down with the First Lady 9. Call anything I'm flying "Air Force One" 8. Tell Secret Service detail "no one needs to know about this, right boys?" 7. Get my very own library -- even if I don't have a library card 6. Declare war -- on my agent! 5. Get $5,000 to pose for pictures with strangers instead of paying through the nose for head shots 4. Pardon that turkey every year 3. No waiting when I get the urge to bowl 2. Suppress giggle when I tell movers to put boxes in the corner of the Oval Office And the number one thing that only a president can do: 1. Retrieve newspaper on White House driveway in my bathrobe

photo by phillieg The two most important answers from last week: There is a civil war going on in Iraq. Global warming is for real. Now, I understand that for many these facts are not new. To those, my apologies for stating -- repeating -- the obvious. But both of these subjects stopped being about winning over politicians, scientists, thinkers, the general public and kindergardeners a long time ago. We've had plenty of Perry Mason moments and the jury has been in for quite a while. No, these debates persist only to convince those powerful few who cling to opposing views for reasons that satisfy only themselves. Winning over a person whose point of view resides in a hardened bunker worthy of Saddam is hard work, as our president might say. A preponderance of the evidence falls laughably short. Evidence that is beyond even a reasonable doubt simply will not suffice. No, to convince someone that she is totally, disingenuously wrong requires an irrefutable proof that washes away eve...

"What I say to the American people when I am out there is, all you got to do is listen to what Osama bin Laden says." -- President Bush , 10/11/06 Taking his acclaimed truth-telling to the next level, Osama is now here to help you understand life, love and relationships. Letters of no more than 250 words are welcomed – no calls please! Due to the heavy volume of material received, personal replies are not possible. Dear Osama, I'm a little reluctant to use email again, but my sponsor says getting used to doing the little everyday things again is a big part of the rehabilitation process – so (deep breath) here goes! I recently decided to quit my job and left Washington on the same day after someone special – someone to whom I thought I was special -- "humiliated" me in public. I feel very "betrayed" but mostly I am "hurt" because "we" meant more to "me" than to "this person." I guess I was "mature one" i...

It isn't you -- it's me. But I hope we can still be friends. I minored in astronomy in college, a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away. The subject's appeal to me was fueled by the tantilizing prospect of other intelligent (or intelligent) life in the universe. SETI was a hot topic a generation or so before SETI@Home made us all universe scanners and way before Aricebo graduate Jodie Foster made Contact -- or did she? -- with a race that also liked TV too much. The prospect that we are not alone and the seeming inevitability, a mere half-dozen years after "Star Trek" got cancelled, of long-distance human space travel was enough for me to read astronomy books even on school breaks. Long after my academic days ended we did in fact find evidence of life, or at least evidence of evidence life , right here in our own solar system. That was cool, but fosilized remains of microbes and places water might have been doesn't pack much dramatic punch. There is, on th...