Friday, October 5, 2007

Craig's List

"I have seen that it is possible for me to work here effectively."
-- Sen. Larry Craig, Oct 4, 2007

Things to do this summer:

  • Circle around hunky guy in stall "8" while waiting for connecting flight. Muse on how great it is to have time to kill in a city where nobody knows me -- and save money at the same time by not flying direct!
  • Plead ignorance of solicitation to guy who doesn't seem nearly as hunky when he turns out to be an undercover cop. Give him my business card anyway. You never know
  • In post-arrest interview with undercover cop (who I see now definitely is not a looker) don't act like I don't know what he's talking about when he says I was doing the abnormal things guys seeking gay sex with strangers in public restrooms do. Instead, tell him I was doing normal things, like picking up toilet paper off the bathroom floor
  • Don't get any legal advice in the many weeks before I have to enter a plea. Reflect fondly on my votes for tort reform
  • Plead guilty to disorderly conduct by mail. Relax. It's all over now. What could possibly go wrong
  • When story inexplicably breaks, blame the media. This never fails
  • When media fails to roll over admit nothing. Attack feral enemies. But write speech announcing that I will resign on Sept. 30, 2007
  • Get it on the record: "I am not gay. I never have been gay." Hope nobody notices peculiar similarity to same statement I gave 25 years ago, when nobody asked me. Remind children and wife that I am definitely not gay, no way never have been. Cut short family meeting to watch football game on TV. Note to self: find out what channel ESPN is on beforehand
  • Send Arlen Specter some roses. Scratch that.
  • Hire three lawyers. Call one of them, ignore unfamiliar voicemail and leave message instead for a stranger saying I am going to alter my "resignation" speech to say, "it is my intent to resign."
  • In speech go noble: Cite the need for America to focus war in Iraq blah blah blah
  • Snicker as nobody in the media picks up on that clever "intent" loophole
  • Buy time by saying it is still my "intent" to quit if I can't get my guilty plea withdrawn. This will definitely blow over in a few days and everybody will be talking about Britney 24/7 again
  • Show up for Republican lunch in Senate. Draw strength from the guy who applauds me after my brief and definitely unawkward remarks. See if he's interested in drinks later.
  • Try to convince judge that a US Senator's guilty plea to a misdemenor disorderly conduct charge amounted to a "travesty of justice." Make sure lawyers underline that phrase three times in filing
  • Announce when guilty plea is upheld that I intend to serve out my term for the good of the people
  • Say I can get'er done in the Senate even though the Republican leadership would just as soon ship to me Iran, where everybody know there aren't any gays.
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